Understanding Attachment Styles: Why You Love the Way You Do

Why is it that every time you date someone, you end up with the same outcome? You date different people but end up with similar relationship issues?

The answer may lie in your attachment style.  We begin to develop our attachment style during infancy as we learn to adapt to the environment around us.  Believe it or not, your attachment style in intimate relationships may be a reflection of your relationship with your parents or primary caregivers.  For some readers, this is an alarming reality; for others, it may not be concerning.  However, there is no reason to fear because information is here! Increasing your knowledge about your attachment style will explain your behaviors, allowing you to make behavioral changes as you see fit.

Let’s explore the types of attachment styles, where they come from, and how they shape your romantic relationships.

What Is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory was developed by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth. It suggests that the way we attach to our primary caregivers as children creates a blueprint for how we connect in adult relationships. For the sake of this blog, we will explore its impact on intimate relationships.

This means that a person’s early experiences with love, support, and safety impact:

• Their ability to trust others.

• How they manage conflict.

• How they express (or hide) their emotional needs.

• How comfortable they are being vulnerable?

Your blueprint is just an outline, there is room for change. Awareness is the first step toward overcoming unhealthy habits and forming secure relationships.

Secure, Anxious,  Avoidant, and Disorganized. 

These are the four attachment styles. I’d like to preface this by sharing that most people don't have one attachment style, but a primary, secondary, and tertiary attachment. 

Secure Attachment

Characteristics of secure attachment include the ability to feel comfortable with closeness, which means you don't think it's "weird" to share personal details with your partner. You're also comfortable with being alone and allowing your partner to have alone time, without feeling insecure. 

You trust your partner, express your needs, and can manage difficult emotions without spiraling. You’re able to manage conflict without blowing up or shutting down. 

You Might Say:

“I love being close, but I enjoy having my own space.” Or “We handle disagreements pretty well by talking it out.”

Where Does it Come From?

Consistent, emotionally responsive caregivers.

Anxious Attachment

Anxiously attached individuals often crave closeness and fear their partner is no longer interested or will leave them. You may find yourself constantly overthinking situations, needing reassurance, or worrying that you’re “not enough” for your partner. 

You might say:

“I must be doing something wrong if they aren't answering me.” “Why are you interested in me?”

Where Does it Come From:

Emotionally inconsistent caregivers, sometimes loving, but often unavailable.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidantly attached individuals strongly value their independence, suppress emotions, and avoid their emotional needs.  When a partner becomes “too comfortable,” you tend to withdraw, shut down, or feel smothered. 

You might say:

“They are too clingy, and I need space.”  “I don't need to be with anyone.”  

Where Does it Come From:

Caregivers who were emotionally distant, unavailable, or encouraged self-reliance too early.

Disorganized Attachment 

Individuals with a disorganized attachment style long for love but fear it at the same time. This attachment style is a combination of anxious and avoidant, and you may feel emotionally confused by wanting closeness one moment, pushing it away the next.

You might say:

“I want to be in a relationship, but I get overwhelmed with commitment.” “Every time someone gets too close, I sabotage it.”

Where Does it Come From:

Often rooted in unpredictable caregivers, trauma, or early relational wounds, such as neglect or abuse. 

Why Knowing Your Style Matters

Your attachment style doesn’t put you in a box, it gives you a map.  It helps you recognize your emotional comfort zone(s), even explore ways you can benefit from improved boundaries and communication skills. 

For example:

If you're primary attachment style is anxious, you may benefit by building internal trust and learning to self-soothe. 

If you're avoidant, learning to be present with your emotions, specifically the ones that make you feel uncomfortable, will help you become more vulnerable. However, it's important to take baby steps, too much exposure too quickly will lead you back to avoidance. 

If you're disorganized, you might start with self-trust and trauma healing. There may be a layer of shame and embarrassment that holds you back from being open with yourself and others around you.

The truth is, your attachment is adaptable. You can change or improve your attachment style at any stage of your life! It comes down to self-development, overcoming insecurities, and self-love. Working on you can help you move toward a secure attachment style. This may involve building self-trust, self-esteem, improving communication, and valuing yourself. Everyone has a different journey, so do what's best for you!  This could mean working with a therapist to help you achieve your goals.

The key is to remember that life is forever changing, and we have the ability to change it for the better. You can change your attachment style to ensure you are receiving the best in a relationship and giving your best! 

Ready to Discover Your Attachment Style?

Take my free Attachment Style Quiz to find out where you are—and get personalized insight on how to build more secure, balanced relationships.